I tend to enjoy my elusive streak, but have also found it uncomfortable to hear that I was somehow not sharing enough with someone I hadn’t realized I was holding back from.

Being self-aware is a gift. Even if you may not always expect the view others reflect back, it’s always an opportunity to see what you’re putting out there. It may be a delicate balance without betraying something natural about your personality and how you communicate, though the ability to actively evolve is brilliant. Patience is highly desirable in others while you modify what you can/want to, but somehow I get the feeling you are worth any extra effort.

Best in the journey!

i decided to go looking for the commonalities and figure out what i liked and didn’t like about it all and then i started to get more hrm… truly myself. i feel like the more myself i become the fewer fragments there are. that’s me of course, but i found that most of my chameleon was nervousness.

and i agree, this is some excellent comments section.

L7 – I suppose it hurt knowing that I made him feel unwelcome in my life when that hadn’t been my intention. It hurt knowing that I’d made someone I cared about feel that way.

Your second question is tougher: “what would you do differently if you were treating Gabriel like the opposite of a client?”

Charity said something interesting. She speculated that I dress up my personality for clients. I think that’s not far off, though rather than dress it up I tend to make my personality fairly neutral. It’s been mentioned here that people tend to project their own ideas onto enigmatic or quiet personalities, so with clients that can be an advantage. For me, it’s always been a matter of being as genuine as possible without exposing too much of myself, or my emotions.

If I treat someone like an un-client, then I guess that means I let them see me in some complicated, flawed state. Maybe I express emotions I wouldn’t normally express. And maybe that’s what this is all about.

Wallflower, I so love your idea about the “intimacy exercises!” That’s kind of what I do for a living, and you were right to characterize my first post as a “rant.” I think my longing is usually for more closeness, although occasionally I am or have been the one who is more opaque. So when one of my (kind of) heroines seemed to be musing about being more transparent, of course I wanted her to explore that. It fits my need, doesn’t it? So much for Mr Altruism, huh?

gillette, I like what you say about people’s feedback often being projection, and not Truth. In fact, this is also part of what I do for a living – train people to give and receive feedback that is responsible (“this is my perception of you, not the Truth about you”). The other side of that coin is that in my world, if two or three people who know me well all share a common perception, it’s something I want to think seriously about.

D has cited Gabriel and the ex who has known her for almost a decade, and there seems to be a common thread. I guess my questions to you D would be

- what hurt when your ex said what he said?

- what would you do differently if you were treating Gabriel like the opposite of a client?

- what’s to be gained from being less opaque?

I realize some readers may pfffffft at me for being an amateur psychologist, but like Wallflower said, I like D and want her to be happy. I’ve admitted my bias above, that for me happiness has come with a certain strong element of disclosure, but I guess it’s that disclosure, esp of your sexual and emotional self, D., that has kept me coming back here.

Are you going to re-join us in the comments? Or be elusive ; )

The thing with relationships and projections is that we get so stuck in them that it’s difficult to discern what’s truly going on. Only the Self can finally know who they are and what their intent is.

Does relationship deepen and expand when one person defines the other in any way? Are we doing the relationship or ourselves any service when we do anything but tell our truths in ways that cannot be argued?

Coming at it from my world: that Gabriel feels D has a secret life is his perception and “story,” not hers. Truth would be him saying he feels excluded, he doesn’t trust something, he’s lost and confused. He can say all sorts of things about himself that are true. But that doesn’t mean that’s The Truth or what’s going on for D (obviously it isn’t the truth for D as she stated she thought she was being transparent)…it just means it’s going on for him.

It’s when he brings this up and then finds out within HIMSELF why he would feel all that…not blaming D for his feelings, but owning them as his own…that things can start to shift for both him and D.

At this point, it sounds to me (yes..only sounds to me in my projection about a small snippet of life on a screen, probably with less than a quarter of the information included) like D is being labeled (secret, evasive, restrained, distant). It sounds to me like she’s questioning the various labels others are projecting onto her and seeing if they are a fit or not. They may provide useful information for her to consider and she gets to look at herself, which is all good stuff…but not necessarily true. It will be interesting to see where she goes with it.

And it is true that most every relationship problem or challenge I hear of simmers down to this dynamic at its core: one defines the other (unconsciously, often from fear); deciding intent based on their projection; then not allowing the other to define themselves by taking back their projection as a message to the self. We do it unconsciously, we do it relentlessly.

“Feedback” and projection are sooooo tricksily entwined. The older I get the more I question it. To remain open, recognize and bring back our projections offers the most enlivening potential for expanded relationship (of any sort) I’ve ever seen. And it’s the most difficult task. Easy to know about the dynamic, way more difficult to see ourselves caught in it, then shift gears.

Good luck in all this. To both of you.

Here’s a thought, D. Maybe being deliberate (like the blog writing) isn’t such a bad exercise for you and Gabriel. Maybe, it’s truly habitual, which is good news, because the desire to change it is there and all that is required is some retraining.

If this isn’t really about Gabriel, specifically, deliberate intimacy exercises could still be helpful, until it becomes more natural.

The fun (and maybe a little scary) part would be coming up with what these exercises might be, maybe even together. Maybe that’s the exercise! Now I’m getting goofy.

Wallflower I completely agree that it takes two and that one person on their own is never the full story of any relationship. But one person can reflect on their motivation, their effect on others, and whether they want to try something new. I don’t think this means that the others have no role or bear no responsibility.

Essentially I feel that D is asking a valuable and difficult question. And I guess I feel that several of the responses (not all) can be boiled down to “don’t worry about it, don’t feel bad, just keep doing what you’re doing.” And I worry that it’s already difficult enough to wonder, to confront oneself, without getting that kind of feedback.

So, D., what do *you* think?

I experience your writing as quiet, direct, well thought out. Do you communicate like this in person? I echo tryingtolearns’ statement about quiet people. People project all sorts of stuff onto the quiet ones, mostly that they are “mysterious” (while they, themselves, don’t feel mysterious nor are they trying to be).

I have also noticed over the years that people project tons onto those they consider “strong.” They don’t allow for the accompanying “weak” in the person, feel shut out because they separate themselves with their hierarchical vision. Most people don’t place themselves on pedestals…others put them there, even when they try to jump off.

I, for one, get tired of being transparent then having people tell me I’m not. Makes me wonder if they are listening, if they understand the depths of what I tell them or what they think they need…none of which is under my control.

I sometimes wonder if there is any way to hurdle/overcome the screen we all operate from and truly connect with anyone else outside our vision of them.