the end of james.
Late last night, I received a message from a girl I’d met at the orgiastic throwdown from a few weeks back. She interested me the most of the group — I liked her whipsmart wit and her curvaceous ass, so I was very happy to hear from her. She wanted to let me know that she told James to stop contacting her, and she wanted to meet for a drink.
I should sketch out a sequence of events: after that multi-girl fling, James and I started dating. I liked him. I liked him enough to date him. He put it out there that he wanted a real relationship, something emotionally monogamous but sexually open, the sort of relationship I love best. But I had my own baggage, particularly the inability to let him in on the other 80% of my life, so I couldn’t say much. Unfortunately, people seem to love me most when I don’t talk, and this led to a pretty imbalanced dynamic. He liked me more than I deserved; I was a well-mannered and highly fuckable mute.
I met Gabriel. With him, I’m not mute.
I lost interest in James. But I’d left my ring at his apartment, so I went out with him again, which resulted in a mediocre threesome, and I retrieved my ring in the process.
James called. I was busy. James called again. I was busy. He called again – a threesome! And again – a foursome! I told him that I needed a little space. And again. I told him that I needed a lot of space. This was during Spitzermania, so I was feeling distracted.
Then I stopped responding altogether, and when I did, I heard from the woman with the wit and the curvaceous ass. He’d asked her to contact me to arrange for a threesome. I told her that I couldn’t do it.
He kept calling. Eventually, I just left my phone at the bottom of my bag and let the messages accumulate. My phone’s now packed with the detritus and anxiety of a fragmentary relationship.
There’s something neurotic happening here. Not stalkery – he’s definitely not a stalker – but there’s a pinch of repetition compulsion in all this, something almost frantic or urgent about his need for multiple women, constantly (sorry for killing the hotness of a menage with a bit of Freud). And there’s something panicky about his response when I, or we, recede. And that’s the trouble with multiples, or at least my experience with multiples: there’s no stable core that holds these relationships together. They’re free by their nature, so they tend to be ephemeral. When James said that he wanted a real relationship, I considered it, I tried, but it just wasn’t there to be had. I can’t will it into existence.
So last night I exchanged messages with this woman. She said that James was getting to be too much for her so she told him that she’s moved on. I’ll have to do the same, I think, and I feel bad about this. In her case, she said that she found someone else. In my case, I know I have.
I’m not opposed to anxiety, fear, and shame, and I think these responses can be leveraged into scathingly hot sexual experiences, but deep neuroses are tougher. Dealing with a neurotic – an extreme neurotic – is like trying to shout in a bar. There’s too much mind-noise, too much to compete with, and I’m sensing that in James. I question whether he’s okay with the sort of free-and-loose relationship we have. I think he’ll be better off if I end it completely.
interesting. i hadn’t thought of it quite that way but i totally see your point. actually both of them. the easy one to understand is the neurosis. i can’t fix your neurosis and if you can’t at least deal with it it’s basically impossible to have any kind of rational relationship… and i’m a big fan of rational.
i’m a bigger fan of not being mute but anyway
the part i think is interesting for me is this idea that the problem with multiple relationships is that there is no centre to spin around and i think you’ve explained my own vague objections for me.
i would not consider swinging in a relationship (or poly or hotwifing or whatever the hell you want to call it) until i believed that the relationship could survive an utter train wreck and even then i would think twice…
but i think it’s a lot harder to do from the beginning… and yet… and yet i know that it’s not really about sex it’s about emotion…
thanks for this
*wanders off thinking*
neuroses are problematic. but is it an issue of degree. shame, fear and anxiety come from the same sources, do they not? is it an issue of self-control that you require?
given you background, desires and needs, it seems that despite what superficially looks like blatant hedonism you maintain a great deal of careful control — at least in terms of personal bounds and privacy.
it sounds like james completely violated those controls in pursuing you so avidly. if he did, than it probably couldn’t work, and you probably did the right thing, regardless of if its better for him or not.
but its likely you already worked this out.
i agree with bad influence girl: thank you for sharing.
I know a James who happens to be in a serious relationship. As one of the women on the periphery, I can handle him, but I certainly couldn’t be his girlfriend; neurotic obsession with even the sexiest of activities eventually becomes a turnoff.
“He put it out there that he wanted a real relationship, something emotionally monogamous but sexually open, the sort of relationship I love best.”
This is an incredibly enticing idea to me. I’ve been trying very hard (and mildly successfully) to break the traditional notions of a relationship that have been instilled in me, and I think that this is the exact situation I’d be most comfortable with. You just laid it out so well: clear and concise. Thank you!
it could just be me, but he sounds like an addict who’s jonesing.
You’re probably right, GW. I tend to over-analyze when I need to end a relationship, or quasi-relationship. I think I’m just looking for reasons to pull away.
The expression ‘mind-noise’, and shouting in a noisy bar; i felt i could picture the emotional context so clearly.
Obviously he has never heard of the 3 call rule…
Jokes aside, I think I can understand where you are coming from, but what I don’t get at all is why you feel guilty about ending that because you have moved on. If the ephemereal is the core of the relationship/encounter you had, where does the feeling of ‘bad’ come from? One would think (obviously erroneously) that this quality would be the most important one – we come, we touch people briefly and then we move away again…
Men like that make me skin crawl. They don’t do enough to make me outright dislike them… I have no justification to be angry. Because of that, I feel a bit guilty at times. Then I feel uncomfortable. Sometimes they’re not really doing anything… sometimes I’m just set off by a guy not using regular channels. Using friends to communicate with me, etc. If you’ve been inside of me, and we’re dating or quasi-dating, talk to me directly.
I’ve been wondering about that myself, Disconnected. I think part of it is that strange, counter-intuitive problem that there’s nothing here to end — it’s neither monogamous nor substantial (and I definitely believe non-exclusive relationships can be very substantial). But it’s clear something more needs to be said.
I agree with GW – he’s an addict for the 3 or 4-somes, and he’s jonesing. At best, he is just not long term relationship material and at worst, he is scary.
Move on and don’t look back. And try to include stories with ‘Ms. curvaceous ass’ as often as possible. Would she and Gabriel be interested in a 3-some? Yummy… ;)
Geo. Costanza once said that what he wanted most in a girl was “a beautiful mute”. But your writing— your voice —shows that so much of your value would lie in *not* being mute.
But then, I talk before, during and after sex. Voices matter.
James seems to me to want not girlfriends or multiples or whatever the term would be. He wants to direct and produce films-in-his-head. He needs th multiples to keep the action moving on the screen, to keep the shadows flickering.
“But then, I talk before, during and after sex.”
i couldn’t help but think of the scene in ‘curb your enthusiasm’ where cheryl is leaving larry and she complains he talks during sex, but that it wasn’t dirty talk, it was shit like, “who can’t tell the difference between fake crab and real crab?”
D,
But why does something more need to be said? If, as you say, there is nothing there to end, and I think I understand the emotional and practical setting here, then wouldn’t that also imply that all that needed to be said, or that was said of value (the talking, the fucking – whichever), has already been said and that anything said after that pulls down what has happened, the like a fifty page postscript to a Borges short story.
Possibly there is a broader question here – are you a person comfortable with open endings or do you prefer that everything that ‘needs’ to be said be said and all questions and answers aired out?
I actually prefer open endings. I don’t like finality in anything, and I like to believe that people can understand one another and communicate well without having things stated explicitly. But miscommunication is something that worries me. I come from one of those families that functions by putting on a false smile when there’s a problem, and I don’t really consider that a useful approach to dealing with the world. So I try to be communicative. And I try to resolve rifts in understanding. But in my ideal world, people read my mind and I read theirs and words are saved for dirty talk.
doctor m: i do too. someone once told me that i talk too much in bed and i still can’t comprehend it.
my current lover thinks the sign of a good relationship is when you forget you’re necking to have some random conversation (and then neck some more of course)
disconnected: i can’t agree with you although i want to. they discussed a relationship and words like ‘emotional exclusivity’ were used. she has to tell him it’s over somehow, it’s only polite.
that said, i’ve used the never call back option myself a time or two…
and then, of course, miss d posts and says something so well i have to read it three times just to enjoy it.
that’s it, you have a rift of understanding with james and those are sucky. open endings aren’t.
You are conflicted and over analyzing ending a relationship that doesn’t exist? There is nothing to end. Personally, I don’t think you like these loveless situations as much as you think. Crave and enjoy, maybe, but you absolutely will fall in love again.
“But it’s clear something more needs to be said.”
Good-bye, James.
Of course if he prefers you mute then a text may be more appropriate. :-)
Well, I have to say I feel sad for poor James. A victim of circumstances no doubt.
But a neurotic? Please. That’s too easy an accusation since most neurotics in the US are geographically located there anyways.