pause.
I’m back in New York.
I don’t know if I’ve expressed this, but only a fraction of my life makes it to my blog. Maybe that’s self-evident. Lately, it’s been an unusually slim fraction – the past few weeks have been full of silences. During those silences, the off-blog moments, I gave a stranger a handjob, I slept with an ex, I fucked Gabriel, Gabriel fucked me, I fucked the twentysomething, and I talked to Paul. And I saw another client. I should probably write about one of those moments. Maybe all of them.
I’ve been thinking a lot, about my habits, my kinks, my little inexplicable triggers of attraction and my tendency to shut down. I haven’t come to any conclusions.
I think the Spitzer spectacle really left me shell-shocked, more than I would have expected. Shortly before the Spitzer news broke, I had a surprising uptick in demand from my clients and I responded to this by canceling everything. I didn’t feel safe and I found that increased interest a little suspicious. What surprises me is that I also withdrew from most of the men I was seeing. There’s been one exception.
Still, in the cab tonight, I could feel myself pulling away from him too. I’m not sure why.
*
I’m learning that writing here, from bed, after someone’s fucked me stupid, is much easier to do than bearing down to write during the day, when there’s no surfeit of conflicting emotions, no post-fuck throb. I’m learning.
*
Maybe I’ll write about that handjob. Or tonight’s fuck. Or something altogether different. For now, I sleep.
Do write all about the handjob.
And Montreal.
And, yes: the new project does sound vur’ intriguing.
Ok, sure, a hand job and lots of fucking, but where are the goats?
kissykiss,
chelsea g.
i think only a fraction of any of our lives make our blogs. what makes that interesting is that it’s in the choosing of what to share that we show our deeper selves.
some of us are incredibly open about our every sexual experience but nary an emotional word will you see and others are the opposite and still others mix truth and fiction…
but always there is a truth to be found in it…
Goats!
Bad Influence Girl – that’s true, isn’t it… It’s interesting how some of the most prolific and open bloggers offer the least depth and ultimately feel the most opaque.
“I’m working on something that should launch in the near future and should be beautiful and wonderful and sexy.”
Trying your hand at cooking again? What is it this time, brownies? Hmmmm!
Welcome back. Your perspective was missed. But do what you have to to be sure to maintain your perspective, and don’t start offering “the least depth and ultimately feel the most opaque”.
In my under qualified opinion you might be setting the standard for emotional openness and clarity, it would be a shame to lose that in the name of full disclosure on your actions.
i like the tiny snippets, the glimpses. It is all good.
happy 420.
and write about all of them.
great blog. just letting you know, I am linking to you as one of my favorites on my new blog, Confessions of a Corporate Slut. (http://tsloe.wordpress.com)… I am just getting started, and can use any advice you can give me!