ABC News didn’t out me. My mother recognized me. Huge difference.
That’s what happens when you use misleading headlines, Gawker. People skip over the content and simply reiterate that first line, spawning a thousand micro-stories like a bad game of telephone.
Further note: Gabriel is not a client.
*
So.
There’s a broad spectrum of experiences, options, and circumstances when it comes to sex work. The media presents one or two of these images. Bree characterized this perfectly, back when I was struggling with my decision over whether to speak to the press:
The American public does not want to hear about the reality of sex work. They’re only interested in crack-addicted street walkers, or spewing masturbatory drivel about chinchilla-clad, Cristal-sipping whores flying around the world in Citation jets. They either put us on a pedestal or kick it out from underneath us.
And that’s absolutely true.
I, and other women like me, object to the assertion that sex work is inherently degrading and that no woman pursues this work or experience by choice. Women do make these choices, and I’m among them. And I have no regrets. My perspective on Sawyer was just that — I was a woman who made a choice.
This isn’t to say that degrading and dehumanizing sex work doesn’t exist, because it most certainly does. But it does a disservice to everyone when we fail to recognize the differences, the differences in power, autonomy, and freedom.
When I saw that my post was picked up by Gawker (later regurgitated and reprocessed by the NYPost, TMZ, and Fox), I groaned. I didn’t want the traffic and I don’t have much love for the snark-driven commentary they’ve got going on in the sidelines. But one commenter said something remarkably unsnarky. Skahammer wrote,
Not only does it complicate the personal life of a young woman who probably has plenty to deal with already.
Not only does it give mainstream news organizations a model for the reactionary bullshit they can try to pull to remain relevant in a Web-2.0 world.
But it gives sex workers just one more reason to remain in the shadows and thus never reach the people who would be quite supportive of them in public discourse.
I’ll probably keep doing what I’m doing, which is talking about sex and relationships and blow jobs and rape fantasies, and I might occasionally talk about sex work. While Skahammer was referring to me, I want to extend that hope. I do hope other women talk. Those stories are for them to tell, but the more, the better.
*
Related to this, I encourage you to visit these sites:
Sex Work 101, a public education project from Sex Work Awareness – see Audacia Ray’s article Why should sex workers talk to the media?
Bound, Not Gagged, a group blog for/by sex workers
Letters from Working Girls, anonymous letters published at/via Reverse Cowgirl
Desiree Alliance, a volunteer-based, sex worker-led network of organizations, communities and individuals across the US working in harm reduction, direct services, political advocacy and health services for sex workers
Sex Workers Project (NYC), the first program in New York City and in the country to focus on the provision of legal services, legal training, documentation, and policy advocacy for sex workers
Sex Workers Outreach Project, a social justice network dedicated to the rights of sex workers and their communities, focusing on ending violence and stigma through education and advocacy
$pread Magazine, a magazine for sex workers and an important alternative to mainstream media – from their mission statement: “We believe that all sex workers have a right to self-determination; to choose how we make a living and what we do with our bodies.”
*
Last thing: I’ve been getting a bit of email and some of the stories have been amazing. I just want you to know that while I’m a little overwhelmed, I’m reading these notes and giving them a lot of thought. Just know that your notes aren’t disappearing into the ether.
Yeah TMZ put up a link to your blog. Totally misleading blurb on their part. Media needs to take some responsibility in checking their shit. TMZ always prints firsts, verifies later. Fuck that.
Peace
-Darien
I didn’t find the TMZ blurb misleading at all. Of course, maybe they changed it…
yeah darien it’s called being a gossip columnist instead of a reporter
debauchette? if this all makes you move your blog PLEASE tell me where? i won’t even link the new one if you ask me not to…
either way i applaud your courage in doing this and am ever further dismayed at the disservice the american media is doing the people of their country…
This has to be the one and only time I found something valuable via TMZ. This blog is very inspiring!
I had an article published about 15 years ago, that exposed me as well.
Here’s the advice I was given..
Put on some dark shades
Put your shoulders back
and Plow ahead..
You are who you are
Be Proud of it.
and you will survive.
F TMZ..
There are real women to support you.
It is the world of sensationalism. I think your news is not news. There are far more other pressing issues in our world today then “Blogger gets recognized by Mom.”
I think in your mom reading your journals when you were younger, she kinda had an idea of some of the thoughts.” Me personally I would fear her reading this blog more then listening to what you stated in your interview.
The world will always have a fascination with the prostitution industry. It is this closet perversion to peep through the key hole. (and not get caught). More people will read your blog (and hey traffic is a good thing) but how many will see you are one of the most talented writers I have come across in our lame blogging world.
We blog because it is our release. We screw because that is our release as well.
Keep doing you, the world will continue doing them.
Peace….IRIEGAL
Not only are there real women who support you but there are real sex workers who support you. You’ve been remarkably graceful in dealing with this. We’re out here and we’re reading, even if we don’t always comment. Let us know if we can do anything for you. xx
I read about your story on cafemom, of all places. From what I first read, I expected you to be an underage, vapid girl. I’ve spent 30 minutes reading a few of your posts. I was pleased to find that instead, you are a beautifully fractured, but strong and intelligent woman. Aren’t we all?
Kudos to you for making no excuses for who and what you are. Be yourself… and be well.
Joining Kimberlee Cline in the offer of support.
I haven’t had the time to write you about this, but yes, I’d join the chorus of people who would appreciate the opportunity to be there for you if you need us.
And yes, please – if you decide to move, I hope you won’t close the email account associated with this blog and will allow your readers to stay in touch.
I found you through foxnews.com, perhaps the best thing they reported on. I love the insightful writing.
TMZ, Gawker, all the gossip-y sites… I’ve become vur’ jaded and tired— I have no use for them any more, or the attitudes (snarky and moralising) they traffic in.
If it weren’t from TMZ I would not have found this blog. And I am glad I did.
C’mon guys, TMZ and Gawker are just overproduced blogs looking to generate hype. When you go to TMZ you expect a little hyperbole. They aren’t really “journalists.”
Diane Sawyer, on the other hand, is. And when it comes to her duties as a journalist she fails:
One, she failed to protect your identity. A few well placed shadows and a goofy wig are hardly sufficient to conceal a person’s identity. Do you think Woodward and Bernstein would have given Deep Throat the fake nose and sunglasses treatment? Doubtful. They could cover up any identifying characteristics but they’d rather give the audience that hint of a glimpse of the “concealed” speaker. I know you are downplaying it but I suspect you didn’t want to be found out; else why the efforts to conceal.
Two, this isn’t journalism. The ubiquituous “I’m a normal girl who takes money for sex” story is not only tired, it’s hypocritical. It’s a swimsuit model wearing body paint — “it’s okay, I’m all covered up!” — and it’s far more sensationalistic than TMZ and Gawker could ever dream.
Don’t take this as a personal attack Debauchette, I just doubt ABC thought there were any truly consequential nuggets left in the “I take money for sex” mine. Notwithstanding your belief that you presented an alternative to the “Victorian” slant offered by ABC, it’s been done. The more difficult — and meaningful — story would focus on the girls who aren’t willingly involved in the sex trade or on the real sex profiteers: like Viacom, Fox, and, yes, ABC. But — uh — that would be hard. And far less likely to get the ratings they desire.
So they wag their fingers and shake their heads derisively then make far more money off sex than you workers ever will.
D-
I found your site via Audacia Ray. Warren Ellis has written about how stellar your writing is and he never fawns.
This attention is so revealing about just how juvenile and myopic the media wants to make sex and sex work and damn near any topic tangentially related to sex. Like the Spitzer shit-storm, but focused on you.
Diane Sawyer was shameful. This old woman trying to save you, pigeon-hole you, make you into a neatly packaged story. Abused, hurt, broken woman, failed people go into sex work. Because to think otherwise, to admit the sex and commerce are connected for everyone, whether those transactions are overt or not, why that’s not the story they went to find. Doesn’t fit the outline.
I wish you all the best with your family. Please keep writing. Your work, the clarity of your writing, has helped me to explain to more than one person the depth of thinking that goes into sex work. That love, lust, fucking and feeling are not different because I get paid to have sex.
Thank you.
-G
I’ve been reading your blog all afternoon….and….I think I’m in love! Is it even possible? I think I should have held out on marriage a little longer…until I found you! I just really enjoy your frankness and freedom to express your feelings, but even more so the words that you choose! I’m already looking forward to the next entry…and thinking about hanging out under each of the city’s lamposts one by one until I find you, or even better…until you find me!
Keep up the great work and enjoy!
Doug
You should become an author. Your writing is so vivid and awesome. I wish I wanted to engage in sex acts as much as you. I guess I lack that hormone.
Thank god for the snarky, irresponsible hacks at Gawker, without whom I would never have found your gem of a blog. Please don’t shut down now–I’ve only just discovered you!
fuck gawker, fuck tmz, and most of all, fuck diane sawyer—at least gawker and tmz don’t pretend to be legitimate news reporting agencies.
long live debauchette. long live kink. perverts of the world unite and take over.
xo
*hands out organic snacks*
Well D….i guess it’s a bit of a party now. Hope you’re doing ok.
debauchette,
i only found you today. it was a headline about your family’s discovery of your secret that led me here. i’ve been transfixed for hours reading your life. oh god. i am married. i am conservative. i am absolutely trapped….and you are living my life. my thought life. my fantasies. oh god. you write as though you’ve been walking through my dreams. my whole body aches. my head throbs. my chest is tight. i feel like someone has been rifling through my secrets. like someone saw me touching myself, and worse, saw what i was imagining when i came with my husband’s cock in me, imagining what it would feel like if he would only use me better, or at least, more often. if he knew what i was really like, what i really like, he’d be too ashamed of me. too embarrassed to take what i want to offer. what I need, desperately need someone to want to take from me. i am in love with you. oh please god, do not stop writing. you are my only release. my only freedom. i am so jealous of you. so intoxicated by you. oh please, don’t go away.
But you are an author. The author of your life’s journey. Your life. Your body. Your choices. Your personal growth.
You are a truly gifted writer. You offer well-versed intelligence without pretense.
There is no profession on the planet which serves humanity more than your chosen profession.
I am not a woman, a sex worker, or anyone’s client but I wholeheartedly support your authorship, your genius, and your profession.
Thank You for Your Blog & Your Courage to Live in Your Truth!
Sorry, but I’m actually really glad they published your blog info, because while the news article I glanced over was mildly interesting, I’m finding your blog, and the commentary, an incredibly compelling read. Not just today’s stuff, but going through the archives as well. Hope you keep it up here and don’t go to blog #5. Thank you so much for sharing.
I like your revised 22 April 08 post. And I hope you’ll keep writing and speaking your mind.
All I can say is WOW. I’ve had an awakening today. Please continue!
So yeah, I noticed Gawker mis-reported your entry on their site and wasn’t surprised. Also thought they should have mentioned your previous entry “Gawker and its misapplied snark.” Jeez, you’d think they’d take a hint.
Anywhooo, I’m glad you’re surviving this thing. Wow.
Found your blog from that entire mess and let me say I am glad I did. Your writing is amazing.
That said it is yet another reminder of the utter piss poor journalism that occurs anymore. The news is almost unbearable and newspapers are generally only good for starting my fireplace anymore.
But you did get another (and I’m sure plenty more) reader in me from this.
Yeah, I found your blog through HuffPo or something, which was naturally sensational, and I just wanted more information. Of course, then I got sucked in to your excellent writing, and managed to completely waste several hours reading the entirety (or whatever you’ve got public) of your blog when I should’ve been writing a paper.
What I like best is the way you focus on precisely the details that are frequently avoided in narratives, while downplaying the rest of your life. It’s voyeuristic, but never in a creepy way.
It’s just exactly the sort of thing that I’m happy to drop my GPA to read.
i hope you dont regret doing that interview. i think you made the right choice doing it. i think the reason diane sawyer came off the way she did was because you were a challenge. you were smart and articulate and nothing she could do could deviate you from that. all this will eventually end and we can get back to everyday life and enjoy your stories again without gawkers.
D,
As dickard wrote above, ABC singularly failed to protect your privacy. I watched the clip and (with a caveat that obviously don’t know what you sound like), the so-called voice distortion was a farce. One could clearly hear your intonations, one could make a guess at dialect, speech patterns, all of it… Furthermore, the way it was shot with your profile (once again, not knowing the comparison), I would guess a person knowing you well would easily recognise you. In all my years watching various interviews with people who have been anonymized, I have NEVER come across shooting it in profile. Instead, the typical angle is either straight on with shades of grey or 30-40 degrees off from the centre of the face. That makes the head just become a “rounded blob”, as opposed to a profie, which is much more easily identifiable.
And thirdly, and I don’t know if anyone’s mentioned this, but they showe a clear shoot of your hands, with your rings, etc. Again, having nothing to compare with, I wouldn’t know or guess, maybe you changed them spcifically for the interview, but otherwise, personal adornment, hands and hand movement is also something which could potentially clearly identify a person.
Working in an industry where people proudly live by the maxim “only the paranoid survive”, I really had to question whether this was intentional o ABC’s part. Were one more conspiracy-minded, one could start speculating (I’m only theoretizing here), that it was done intentionally. Most likely, they don’t really care as long as they are protected legally.
Echoing a poster above – if you decide to move the blog, I hope there is some way for those of us who would like to read you in the future to find that out…
Oh, and DS should seriously work on her fake sympathy face. It’s not rocket science, even if it’s perhaps not just one step away from her selfrighteous expression and pompous bearing. (I grew up around journalists and researchers, so I like to think I have some experience here).
Sorry to hear how it all went down.
hi there
i’ve been of line for 3 months, what a day to look you up again!
I hope you’re doing ok,
I’ve been reading your breath taking writing for a couple of years now and have been
frequently blown away by the beauty of your work
occaisionally forced to rethink long held assumtions
led off onto fabulous net detours
given food for thought or ways to re think aspects of my own life
I tend to think of what I know of the way you live as the way i might, if i had the guts, and the grace, (and if i hadn’t become a single parent in my early twenties,) we are around the same age, i think.
enough ramble.
Stay strong. you’re an incredible woman. i admire you immensely.
keep your head up. =)
Quite frankly, I am (pleasantly) surprised at the fact that there is so much public support of not only you, but sex workers in general. I wish there was some way to amass that and focus into some sort of collective action to legalize, or at least decriminalize the work. That’d be one (of what would have to be a great number of) step(s) toward destigmatizing what you and other sex workers do.
you know what, i have to echo dickard’s and disconnected’s thoughts on how protected you were(n’t). it didn’t cross my mind at first, because you said they’d anonymized your features and voice and such, and i paid more attention to what you were saying than trying to scrutinize how recognizable you are, but they’re right——you were pretty exposed. as someone who also has a prominent profile, i would’ve definitely been recognized from a side shot, where most interviews that i’ve seen only show an outline from the forward perspective. your voice was also pretty intact, compared to the gravely distortions of other incognito interviews.
this pisses me off. i, too, question if this “carelessness” was intentional on their part. while i’ve seldom agreed with sawyer’s socio-politics, i don’t think i’ve ever found her this despicable until now.
the fucking media. how gold they are.
I got this link from Perez Hilton, and I just want to say I am so thankful that I found it. (even though the media had no reason to link your blog in the first place). Since yesterday, I have went to the beginning of your blog and read every page, every entry. You seem to be one of the most intelligent, inspiring women I have ever had the chance to read about. You are the type of person I hope I can be someday. You are doing what you want, with who you want, and not giving a fuck who cares. I hope you don’t leave, because now that I’ve read it all, I want to know more. I am also planning on starting an anonymous blog, just to put my feelings and life out there as you have done.
Hey girl, you are creating quite a stir. As far as I know, we have never met but we know some of the same people. I was particulary proud to see this quote from you in print:
‘I feel like I can only sigh, because I doubt I can begin to penetrate the many layers of misunderstandings and preconceptions, let alone that relentless working assumption that a woman’s value as a human being decreases as she gains sexual experience.’
Well said! Thanks for making “us” look good. If I can be a support to you, just say the word. I have been through the many pitfalls and pleasures of being an out sex worker for a couple of decades now.
XOXOXOX
Veronica Monet
I know you already have a lot of comments but I just have to post this: I find you amazing! Please keep writing! I just love the fact that you are who you are, and aren’t afraid to show it! Its a great quality to see these days! You go girl!
I get all kinds of insipid garbage forwarded to me from a friend, and who would have thought that a mislabeled TMZ post would lead me to some of the best blogging I’ve ever seen.
I admire your determination in illuminating the true nature of sex work against the world’s misconceptions. This country is so very unevolved in all matters relating to sex. It would be too frustrating a task for me to even attempt, but perhaps that is why I’m a mere commentator and you’re the writer upon whose subjects I comment.
I hope this newfound “fame” (or infamy) does not discourage you from continuing to disseminate your words. It might seem that it is preaching to the choir, but its impact might reach beyond.
And for what it’s worth: As a woman, a mom, a wife, a suit – I find your words empowering.
I hope that you do keep writing. I was one of the many who sought out to “check the facts” and read for myself you story after reading about the incident through Fark.com and TMZ. Your writing is amazing and your world of experiences are quite eye opening. I’m studying at the Seminary right now, and one of my best friends works in the sex industry as a writer. After high school he came out of the closet, and we have had numerous talks about life, his life, and the industry. I still support my friend to this day and talk with him on a regular basis regardless of being told by others to “cast him out in order to win him back”. Your writing like my talks with my friend continue to stimulate my mind and open my eyes furthur to understand the industry. After all we are all simply, people. As I am able I would love to contiue to read and follow your life if you don’t move this blog. (Or if you do, would love to know where to) I’m not one of those who judges, but stands by and listens carefully. Best wishes. Thanks for the recommended links above.
Heres to hoping that you keep writing
-PZ
I too must admit that I found your blog via the media…Fox News actually. Not an actual link, but enough info to figure it out. I have never been much of a blog reader, I didn’t even know blogs like yours existed. I guess I never really gave it much thought. But now that I have “stumbled” upon this, I am hooked. I started reading and could not stop until I had finished every sentence. I have also read the comments on your last post here.
I too am a wife and mother… and quite conservative (see Fox News above) :)…and I think Wendy said it best…your words are empowering. The way that you approach sex, enjoy sex, describe sex, and life in general, is to say the least amazing. Your writing (which in and of itself is wonderful) inspires me to be a stronger woman…a passionate, raw, and real woman.
Your blog does not make me feel unhappy or trapped with my husband. Rather, it makes me want to ravish him. I want to enjoy his body, and mine, with the pure, intense, uncensored pleasure that you describe.
I want to thank you, on so many levels. To say that your blog has changed my life may be a bit over the top. I will however say that your words have motivated me to enjoy life with new fervor and to be proud of who I am as a woman. Please, do not stop writing!
this blog in-and-of-itself is amazing. but the comments are amazing too! cheaplazymom’s recent comments (boys & porn ii) and Mo’s recent comments (irrespons journ) are great. there’s no way I could have said it any better than they did.
quoting Mo : “Your blog does not make me feel unhappy or trapped with my husband. Rather, it makes me want to ravish him. I want to enjoy his body, and mine, with the pure, intense, uncensored pleasure that you describe.”
that exactly captures my own thoughts and feelings about this blog.
I found something special in your writing. if you move your blog, please keep me posted. Yur gifted.
I have been following your blog for awhile now and want to applude you on your openess. You have made me realize that it is okay to be yourself and not have to fit in some tiny little mold that society has made for us. Please don’t stop blogging. You are an incredible writer!
Yo te he encontrado por el periodico 20minutos , increible tu historia, es para leer siempre tu blog
Just want to add my two pennies and say Bravo! to you for your grace under pressure and your unmatched eloquence in dealing with a difficult situation. I added you to my blog roll; your site is a source of inspiration and sophisticated entertainment for me, and for that I thank you. Keep up the fantastic work.
I am a college women who reads your blog faithfully. I love your blog because of the way you write about EVERYTHING, not just sex. If you move your blog, i hope you’ll let me know!
Please write again, Debauchette. So many of us are thankful that you’re here, and writing. It’s been a week and I can’t wait to read your writing again.
Sincerely, a (hopefully) responsible journalist. MW
o MUNDO A FORA, faz uma visita a esse espaço. achei interessante sua história
nada melhor para uma boa divulgação não é?!
>.<
Hello. I’m in college as well, as just wanted to agree with silentreader that I hope you’re coming back… I’ve been reading for only the past 6 weeks, and have missed it this week. Your interview was amazing. Good luck.
Please don’t move your website! I’m hooked and would miss your gift.
Writing is therapy that never abandons you.
Hi,
We’re late to discover you but very glad we did.
scott
Mrs. Kelly’s Playhouse
J’espere que vous etes encore ici, D., ou que tu vas retourner.
bisous.
Please keep writing. This truly is a great blog and the first that I found entertaining enough to subscribe to.
-noone
miss you miss debauchette
retournez s’il vous plait
si non?
thank you for all you have shared here
this space feels empty somehow now, i’m hoping that it’s the emptiness of pregnancy. a silence filled with life and breeding greatness… quiet
potential
but it feels like you left.
hopefully i’m just being melodramatic… if not… well, you know where i am, visit someday if you would … and do let us know you’re okay once in a while.
I found your blog when foxnews.com ran your story and just wanted to say that I loved reading through your blog. Your honesty and sexuality are refreshing to read. I hope you don’t quit writing!!!