What an amazing paragraph.

After a nearly fatal first marriage, I was given a miraculous second chance.

I’ve watched my beautiful, smart, soulful wife grow into what she always (secretly) wanted to be – a writer. At times it felt like I was running to keep up and sometimes it was hard to be supportive.

She watched for 8 years as I lived out my unfulfilled adolescent fantasy of being a working, touring musician. At times it felt like she was left behind and sometimes it was nearly impossible for her to be supportive.

Both of us have blossomed, we have vibrant and fulfilling work and we adore each other more now than we did when we met 13 years ago. We don’t have endless, mind-numbing arguments over minutia and we don’t beat each other up for our very human failings.

And you’re right, there are big risks and a lot of fear involved. Both of us had to make our own leap of faith to get here. The dread for her of making that leap was nearly debilitating. Her fear of leaving her safe and comfortable preconceptions for the great unknown was almost too much.

RIsking what is safe and comfortable, even if that safe and comfortable is your existential dread of inertia and your fear of commitment, isn’t kid stuff. It’s hard. It’s scary. And there is no guarantee that it will work out.

But if it does work out, it’s worth it.

Watching my wife grow into who she wants to be is more fulfilling than anything I could have ever imagined. She is her own masterpiece-in-progress and I have a front row seat.

I’m sure I sound like a new-agey, preachy, self-righteous wanker and I apologize for that. I certainly don’t mean to come across that way.

You write well. I enjoy your blog and your honesty. I found your blog through gawker. I hope everything is settling down for you after all that.

Anyway (I tend to digress) …my current sex partner insists on NSA sex …frank admission here… I initially thought was unfair to her…but then I started to see the wisdom of her stance…(sorry just pictured her stance in a bustier with a feather boa )…so boundaries do lead to more joyful and creative sex …at least it does for our relationship…and I think you can use the term relationship as it is clearly defined unlike the traditional…”you married me so you have to get along with Aunt Agnes” sort of stretchy boundaries to include whatever your spouse feels like.

The problem with commitment which I’ve seen is it becomes routine. And predictable. And boring. And safe. And then life speeds ahead on cruise control.

Another person I know is the exact opposite. For her, it’s all about the ring and commitment but not necessarily complete monogomy (girlfriend). She passed the sportfucking phase and didn’t look back.

But then again what do I know, I was born at a very early age.

fear and excitement are the same thing?

change is scary?

space is a hard thing to negotiate?

i dunno, all i have are cliches :)

That was nine years ago. Last night I flew through New York from Paris and he met me there. The first full night of amorous desire with him since November and I needed it. He loves me, and now, after all this time tells me he loves me. I’ve decided, after last night of course, that we are perfect for each other.

It takes two. One doesn’t get involved with someone who has commitment issues if they themselves don’t have some of the same tendencies. But, yes, I’ve had it both ways, as well. I’ve run pretty fast from men who are capable and have suffered unrequited love. You are right, Ms Debauchette, they both suck, but remember to ask yourself what the pay off is, because that’s where your answer is … and it’s always there when you’re ready to look.