OK now I must ask what qualities a man would have to bring out a womans dominance.
Is it a look?
Puppydog eyes?
A sign that says “please hurt me”?
Old spice?
Plain Jane offered in this response:
For me I find there are a couple of types of guys that bring out my dominant side:
1) Someone who has a quiet way about them.
2) Someone with a shy smile with that kick of cute in them.
3) Someone who is aggressive and it kind of leads to that desire to put them in their place, so to speak.I think women have different triggers for that sort of thing, though.
My own triggers are similar. If someone intrigues me and I’m having a hard time figuring him out, I usually want to push him down and pry him apart. It’s an irrational impulse, but I feel it and I often have to fight it. I attack obtuse, illegible men the way I attack anything I don’t understand. I want to get in there, understand it, and own it. Unfortunately, when I do, I also tend to move on. I need to work on that.
I like Jane’s description of a quiet guy with a shy smile – that does it for me too. Men like this… I want to strip them down and use their bodies, or force them to come by hand. Handjobs can be a little rapey. I like hand-raping shy men with cute smiles.
On that, if someone’s hard but doesn’t want to be, or if they’re hard but intimidated, or conflicted, or confused, I get extremely aggressive. And wet. So I like men as sexually coerced fucktoys forced to ejaculate on my command (by hand, and mouth, and cunt).
And like Plain Jane, I also get aggressive if someone gets a little too toppy with me. I like it when men take over and fuck me, and fuck me well, and I like it when they’re aggressive, but some men can get a bit authoritarian. I’m super-sexual but I’m not submissive, so if someone treats me like a submissive, I get defiant in response. Which generally results in some kind of combat sex with much bruising for all parties involved.
In sex, I’m neither a top or a bottom, which may be a problem. I’m in it simply hoping I get to get off, too. Invariably, I go take care of myself, afterward.
Actually, it’s even like that in life. Some people mistakenly find me submissive at first, but I’m not submissive. I’m nice. Those same people also find, when they then try to put a thumb on my head, I bite it off.
Maybe, if I used some of that aggression in the bedroom, I’d have better results and might even enjoy some good pressure bruising.
What is the difference between wanting a man to take over and being submissive?
I am asking because I’ve been trying to figure myself out for a couple of years now. I thought I was a sub but my experimentation with BDSM mostly left me not feeling anything. A naturally dominant man, on the other hand… ah!
The defiant, combat sex also sounds delicious. It has been in my fantasies for a long time, I just haven’t managed to get there. But I am only 25 and truly began experimenting with my sexuality 2-3 years ago.
Thank you for the link. You definitely fleshed out my thoughts in a much more coherent fashion, but that’s to be expected, heh.
“The defiant, combat sex also sounds delicious”
It’s wonderful. Truly wonderful.
Thais — it can be a little confusing. It’s taken me a while, and a lot of slutting around (let’s call it research) to figure out where I lie.
For myself, the distinction is mostly a state of mind and a particular dynamic. When I think of submission, I think of a desire to please, a desire for approval or validation, a desire to be controlled or told what to do, to submit to someone else’s authority absolutely. There’s a sort of yielding of the mind in this, something beyond the body. [If anyone reading this considers themself submissive, please chime in.]
Me, I don’t submit psychologically, but if someone forces themselves on me, I enjoy it. I might fight it, or I might be surprised, but I’ll always get very wet. And often, in the middle of sex, as I get more and more turned on, I become extremely… amenable to suggestion. But I don’t know if I’d call that submissive. Lusty, maybe? Ravenous?
So while I’m not submissive, I do enjoy having my power challenged or kicked out from under me. I like to be flattened under someone else’s weight. I like being fucked from behind, or bent over furniture, or pushed up against a wall, or with my cheek to the floor and my ass up (arguably submissive positions). But I’m also quick to turn that dynamic around mid-way, depending on the person. Like, if someone gets too toppy.
So that’s how I see the distinction. Power’s a funny thing. It’s really very nuanced and complex, and varies so much from partner to partner. (Which is why I’m a strong supporter of sexual experience.)
Being a card-carrying member of “quiet guy with a shy smile” I have to agree with what’s written here, and I do seem to bring out the dominant side out in many women, though not all.
Regarding the latter direction of the posts. I’m not expert but it seems a lot of people miss out by defining themselves as tops or bottoms (quite unlike Wallflower — whom I identify with) when there’s a thrill to playing with power both in control and out of control, and as debauchette (or Jane? what should we be calling you) says, it’s exhilarating to change things up during the middle of things.
Old Spice. Old Spice. That just makes a brilliant trigger.
Thank you for the post reply.
Obviously I asked because I’m desperate to bring out that desire to dominate me.
Side note: Yes I’m far too aware that my desperation is anything but a turn-on.
For me, it’s about a lot of things. The deep ache to please, the feeling of being wanted and controlled. The knowledge that, even though I may be physically on top or fucking her from behind, she’s the one controlling the fuck.
I enjoy being used as an object. The freedom she gets knowing I’m there to please her and knowing she can use me in any way without judgement. Knowing that she could (and hopefully will) leave me bruised, marked and raw.
Ok I got a little carried away, but….yeah.
Hahaha… what a great post.
I stumbled in to this blog a few days ago and had, up until reading the line “I like hand-raping shy men with cute smiles,” not been 100% sure why I found it so addicting.
While I may or may not fit the criteria… the thought of being hand-raped to keep me from getting uppity is just glorious.
And the whole combat-sex-thing? Fucking great. I was recently reading a post over at Beautiful and Depraved and was constantly thinking… ‘this sounds boring… where’s the reciprocity? I want my sex to be like a gladiator battle; a wrestling match; a pillow fight, all rolled in to one.’ And then I read this post, and just thought… “YES!”.
So, anyway, great blog.
I always like the position (pardon the innuendo) that it’s the energy and imagination that goes into it that keeps me coming back for more. I am generally willing to try anything…the combat sex that Thais referred to sounds intriguing …especially if there is some delicious anticipation building up to it…such as waiting for what seems like years to liase with someone and only have a brief interval to have wild monkey sex with clothes strung about and finding yourself exhausted in a corner with your clothes half off and perched in an uncomfortable position (which are now just noticing as blood flow was focused elsewhere) …now that I have experienced…sorry was just remembering someone’s left foot pushing against a windshield their right was stuck behind a headrest while I licked and nibbled their delicious pussy…also dimly remember buttons being ripped off and tearing my shirt on a gearshift…
D,
Another excellent write-off. I recognize the agressiveness that you write about – the desire to consume someone who is intimidated or balancing on that fine brink of arousal and anger/fear/angst…
Also, regarding your post on meeting people from the past – I don’t think that circumstances even have to be as specific as yours – I ran into someone from way back the other day and the feeling of… ‘misfit’ was very strong. You don’t seem to be bothered by it, but the role reversal – when people see one as the person one was back then, that is a choking concept to me and I want to lash out, and then escape.
I thought I was having combat sex once. It was loud, dirty, and a little scary all at once. My pants were wet, and I was breathing hard and sweating. Then I saw all the belt fed automatic weapons and people yelling in Arabic. Only then did I realize it was actual combat without the sex part, and I had peed in my pants.
Joking aside, I have never thought about this subtle interplay in dominance or psychological force with regard to sex before. I think most of us like to experience different roles at different times. Nothing turns me on more than a demure, quiet girl who always pays her bills on time and who won’t even utter a curse word in public pushing me against a building and giving me a blowjob while walking home at night.
for myself- being submissive is a psychological state of mind and- very importantly- orgasm.