I’ve been thinking about power relationships lately, maybe because I keep returning to this desire to make Matt beg. He’s so outwardly dominant, but there are moments…

He says things in passing that resonate for hours. “You should sit on my face,” he once said, three glasses deep into an evening. I thought about it as we went back to his place, and I thought about it as we stripped. I thought about the implications, that this tall, strong man wanted me to squeeze his face between my thighs and lower my cunt against his mouth. But then we threw down on the bed, and he had me pinned and spread and I forgot everything.

One morning he responded sharply when I ran a fingernail over his nipple. I looked him in the eye and pinched it between my fingertips as I watched his response.

“Does that hurt?” I asked, pinching harder. He closed his eyes and shook his head and I felt my body throb in response. I reached down with my free hand and wrapped my hand around his erection and stroked slowly, pinching harder and harder as he continued to shake his head. I pinched and pulled and twisted until my fingertips hurt, and until he came all over my forearm. And this side of him impressed me. It excited me.

*
I have moments when I wonder if I’m naturally dominant. I know that I have cravings, and I know that these cravings have played a recurring role in my sex life. But then, I also have rape fantasies from time to time. I have fantasies characterized by coercion, or rough bouts of primal lust, or sweet dreams of quiet affection. But then I’ll crave a cunt slave and I’m back in the dominant saddle.

I’ve been thinking about my attraction to Matt and I think it’s this contrast of his fleeting submission with his outward vigor, his extreme masculinity, his tendency to be authoritative in the progression of our dates. I love that he’s ultra-chivalrous. I’m attracted to it. It makes me feel feminine.

So I think it’s this contrast that sets me on fire when a man asks for my permission to come while I’m stroking him off. I like that it’s an understated form of control. This is also why I love to give head – it puts me in a position of tremendous power and I’ve always, always exploited that.

(It’s a pity so many blow jobs we see on video are clearly about ’servicing’ men. It’s so much more exciting to give head from a position of control.)

So, I wonder. I’ve been dominant for pay, and I’ve had recurring cravings, but I’ve never fully explored it with someone I’m dating. Not fully.