I’ve googled my own blog and found that it’s appeared not just here, among the Wordpresses and Blogspots, but also in a vast field of domains with the words “femdom” and “facesitting” and “strap-on” and “cbt” and “feminization” and “ball-busting” in the names. And I’m thinking, does google have something it wants to say?

It might have been the cuckold tagging. When I started debauchette, I was on my way to a life of cuckoldry, since I was involved with someone I liked but didn’t quite love, and loved someone I couldn’t really be with, and especially since I had a long history of lusty, dirty conduct and commitmentphobia. But what surprised me was the precision of some of those terms, all of which fall under the femdom umbrella.

I haven’t written about it in years, but that’s how I got started on my path to the bifurcated identity – I catered to fetishists and I was sensually dominant. (Though, for the record, feminization does nothing for me. In fact, it’s the quickest way to torpedo my sexual appetite. I like men. And I strongly prefer men who do not wax their chests or wear ladypants.)

Some men make me feel dominant. I know I have certain triggers, and I know that one of them is feeling an unexpected erection in my hands or against my body. If I feel a cock harden under my palm, my natural response is to grip it and feel possessive of that cock. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve been on my way out the door, all dolled up for the day, and dropped everything the moment I felt a man’s erection in his pants. I need to slide my hand in and wrap my fingers around the shaft. Invariably, I stroke him a bit before pushing him back and taking over. A cock in my hand always feels powerful to me, all the more so when he whispers, “it’s yours.”

And I have moments when I want to be seized – by the hair, by the hips, and definitely by the wrists – but it’s a shifting tension. If anything, I’ve learned that power’s not very enjoyable to me when it’s one-sided to the extreme. If anything, power exchange is just an amplification of what’s primal and inherent in sex, this propulsion of drives and irrational impulses, the desire to possess and be possessed.